The Magnificent Seven and the Holy Grail
Cast of Characters:
King Chris/Arthur: Chris Larabee
Sir Buck/Lancelot: Buck Wilmington
Sir Vin/Galahad (the chaste): Vin Tanner
(Brave) Sir Ezra/Robin: Ezra Standish
The Enchanter (Tim aka Josiah): Josiah Sanchez
Brother Nathan/Maynard: Nathan Jackson
Friar JD: JD Dunne
For ease of storytelling, I’ll call them by their, er, “proper” names. If it’s not obvious, this is based off of the Monty Python movie, which I basically copied, though I may have missed some words.
We join with our knights while in their search to find a certain Enchanter. They have been told he knows how to find the grail....
Coconuts banging together, the knights and their followers ride steadily along, seeking the fabled enchanter. It is not known when or where he will appear but….
The “horses” shy, and the knights quickly calm them down with some soothing words. In the background, the squires carefully change the timbre of their coconut playing to match the movement, until no one is moving.
Up ahead, they see a tall man wearing some sort of cap on his head that has antlers attached to it. He is pointing at hilltops, and each one explodes with a gesture. "Dismounting," the knights walk forward to watch, King Chris in front. There is no hiding their amazement as the world shakes with the force of the explosions.
Suddenly, the enchanter points at this own feet, and explodes himself.
Seconds later, a miniature explosion reveals the enchanter standing directly in front of them. He gives them a dark look.
"What manner of man are you that you can summon up fire without flint or tinder," Chris asks, impressed.
The enchanter draws himself up, "I…am an enchanter," he says, his voice deep. He raises his chin at them so as to peer at them down his nose.
Chris raises his eyebrows, "And by what name are you known?"
"There are some as call me…Josiah?" He says the name almost like a question, then turns to the side to send a missile from out of his staff and blows up a small tree.
Several oohs and aahs are heard among the knights and followers.
The enchanter turns back, "Greetings, King Arthur, otherwise known as Chris."
"You know my name?" Chris asks, surprised.
"I do!" This time, the enchanter wields the staff like a flame thrower, aimed at nothing in particular. Clearly he is just showing off. The knights and followers both clap, and several "good shows!" are heard. The enchanter turns back, slamming the butt of the staff in the ground.
"You seek the holy grail," he says, rolling the r with a Scottish flair.
Chris shakes his head, "You know much that is hidden, oh Josiah."
Josiah points randomly at the hillside, and small explosions, one after another, rock the landscape. More clapping. When he turns back, Chris is nodding, pleased.
However, Josiah doesn't speak again. He just watches them.
The knights begin to fidget.
"So, um, yes…we seek the, um, the uh, the holy grail," Chris repeats. The others nod and agree. Josiah stays silent.
Annoyed at being kept waiting, Vin quickly steps forward, "Look, see here, can you tell us…." A small explosion occurs at his feet where Josiah points, and Vin instantly leaps backwards. Jumping a bit from foot to foot, the long-haired knight moves back into the group to hide. The enchanter raises an eyebrow, amused.
Chris swallows, worried now, "Um, see here, we, uh, we were hoping, um…that you could tell us where the, uh…"
"The what?" Josiah asks, both eyebrows raised dramatically.
"The uh, the g... the gg…ggg…"
"Grail?" Again, the r is rolled to perfection.
"Yes," Chris sighs, thankful that the enchanter spoke again. Behind him, the others also add their nods and assents. "Can you, uh, can you help us?" Chris continues.
"Yes, I can help you find the grail," Josiah tells them sagely.
The knights visibly relax, thankful, and Ezra says "Splendid." Chris just smiles lightly.
Josiah steps forward, so that he is close to the King. "To the North there lies a cave," he intones deeply, "the cave of Caer Bannoch, wherein, carved in mystic runes into the very living rock itself, the last words of Mary Travis of the Clarion make clear the last resting place of the grail."
"And where is this cave?" Chris asks.
"Follow," the enchanter says with a gesture, turning away. Then, abruptly, he stops and turns back, causing the knights to run into each other.
"But only if ye be men of valor," he warns darkly, his words punctuated by a large amount of spray, "because the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature sooo foul and sooo cruel that no man yet has fought with it AND LIVED! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair! So beware, knights, if ye do doubt your courage or your strength come no further, for DEATH awaits you all," he brings his hand up to his face, three fingers curled in the shape of a claw, "with Nasty, Big, Pointy TEETH!"
He continues to gesture with his hand, his eyes wide and scary.
Chris leans back to Vin, one eyebrow arched. "What an eccentric performance!"
They follow the enchanter for a while, until finally he turns to stop them. The coconuts are rattling together, and Vin leans forward.
"The horses are nervous, my liege," he says.
"Then we'd best keep them here and carry on, on foot," Chris replies. Raising a hand, he yells out to the world at large, "Dismount!"
The knights all lift one leg and shift sideways, almost as if they were getting off invisible bicycles. In front, the enchanter turns away and rolls his eyes.
Moments later, they're headed down a hillside until they are hiding behind some rocks.
"Behold," Josiah says, pointing forward "the cave of Caer Bannoch!"
"Right," Chris says, peering out at a large dark cave, the brown dirt field before which is indeed covered in bones, "Cover me!"
"With what?" Vin asks, confused. Chris stops, his own puzzlement clear at what he might have meant by the phrase.
"Well…just keep me covered," he says finally, getting up to head over the rocks. Suddenly, Josiah grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him back.
"Too LATE!" his hisses. "There he is!"
The knights all hunker down, trying to discern the terrifying foe that has the enchanter so worked up.
"Where?" Chris asks.
"There!" Josiah points towards the back, near the cave entrance. Chris leans forward, trying to see better.
"What? Behind the bunny?"
A cute little white bunny rabbit hops onto the field.
The enchanter shakes his head. "It IS the bunny!" he hisses.
The knights sit their stunned for a moment, then Chris's face purples with anger. Standing up, he glares down at Josiah.
"You silly sod! You got us all worked up!"
"That's no ordinary rabbit!" Josiah says quickly, his eyes wide. "It's the foulest, cruelest rodent you've ever laid your eyes on! It's a PLOT bunny!"
Ezra throws down his helmet, "You git! I soiled my armor I was so scared!"
"Look," Josiah shakes his head, "that rabbit has a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!"
"Get stuffed," Vin mutters.
"He'll do you a treat, mate," Josiah says, rounding on Vin.
"Oh yeah?" Vin mocks.
"You manky Scottish git," Ezra says, "What's he do? Nibble your bum?"
"I'm warning you!" Josiah tries again, his fingers in front of his face again, lifting up and down like a claw, "It's got huge, sharp teeth." He drops the hand and opens his arms, "And he can leap about…." Seeing no one paying attention to him, he finally points out at the cave, "Just look at the BONES!"
But by now, no one is listening, and Chris sighs. Turning, he looks back at a knight not being played by any of the Magnificent Seven.
"Go on, Yosemite, chop it's head off," he says, waving out at the field. Yosemite grins, slams on his helmet and steps over the rocks.
"Right! Little bleeder," Yosemite mutters, "one rabbit stew coming up!"
He walks onto the field, raising his sword up as he heads towards the plot bunny. Suddenly, the rabbit leaps, aimed straight for Yosemite's throat. Before you can say, "Gee Willikers!" the knight's head falls off and bright red blood squirts straight up out of the stump of his neck as he falls.
"JESUS CHRIST!" Chris shouts, cowering back down behind the rocks.
"I warned you!" Josiah says, triumphant.
"I did it again!" Ezra moans quietly, shifting in his armor.
"I warned you," Josiah continues, "But did you listen? Oh no. You knew it all, didn't you? It's just a wee harmless little bunny, isn't it? It's always the same. They never listen to me. Ah no…."
Chris, annoyed, slams on his helmet. "Right!" He yells, raising Excalibur high, "Charge!" He leaps over the rocks, the others close behind.
The bunny is like a bolt of white fluff, leaping from throat to throat.
Chris turns around, quickly seeing his error. "Run away!" he shouts, "Run away!"
Walking away, Josiah the enchanter turns and laughs wickedly, amused.
As one, the knights jump back over the rocks and cower down.
"Damn!" Chris hisses, looking at the others, "Who'd we lose?"
"Nettie," Buck says breathlessly.
"The Judge," Vin adds.
"And Yosemite," Ezra finishes.
Chris sighs, "Right, that's five…."
"Three, sir," Vin corrects.
"Three," Chris glances at him, "We can't risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite!"
Ezra licks his lips and steps forward, "Um, would it help to confuse the bunny further if we ran away more?" he suggests, a weak smile on his face.
"Oh shut up," Chris dismisses him with a wave, "And go change your armor."
"Let us taunt it!" Vin charges suddenly. "Maybe it'll get so cross, it'll make a mistake!"
Chris just raises an eyebrow, "Taunt it with what" he asks.
Vin's mouth opens and closes a few times, "Well…um…" He sits down with a whumph, his chin resting on his hand.
"Have we got any bows?" Buck says, fingers tapping against his thigh as he thinks.
Chris shakes his head, "No."
"No…but we have the holy hand grenade!" Buck says suddenly, smiling and pointing at Chris.
The King perks up, matching the grin. "Yes, of course! The holy hand grenade of Antioch! It's one of the holy relics Brother Nathan carries!" He turns and calls up the hill, "Brother Nathan! Bring us the holy hand grenade!"
Up atop the ridge, a heretofore unseen group of friars are gathered around a small mobile tent, inside of which rests a gilt chest on a velvet pillow. Nathan gestures to the young friar with him to pick up the chest and follow him down the hill. A third friar follows them down, swinging incense. Somewhere in the background, male voices start singing, "Pie Jesu Domine…Dona Eis Requim…Pie Jesu Domine…Dona Eis Requim…" Over and over again, until Brother Nathan and his young friar, Brother JD, reach King Chris.
Vin lifts the box up and opens it. Inside, Chris lifts out the holy hand grenade, which looks an awful lot like a gold foil ball with a cross sticking out of it.
"How does it work?" Chris asks Buck. The tall knight shrugs.
"I know not, my liege."
Chris snorts, and looks up at Nathan, "Consult the Book of Armaments!"
Nathan gestures to JD with two fingers, and intones, "Armaments, Chapter two, Verses 9 through 21…."
JD cracks open a heavy volume and begins to read.
"And Saint Attilah raised the hand grenade up on high, saying: 'Oh Lord, bless this thy holy hand grenade…that with it, thoust might blow thy enemies to tiny bits…in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast on the lambs and the fruit bats and the orangutans and the carp and the breakfast cereals and the anchovies and…." Next to him, Nathan sighs.
"Skip a bit, brother," he suggests, interrupting JD with a wave of his hand.
JD stops and looks to the next page. Taking a deep breath, he begins again.
"And the Lord spake saying: 'First thou shalt take out the holy pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four thou shalt not count, nor shalt thou count to two, excepting that thou shalt then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number be reached, is spoken, then lobbest thou thy holy hand grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight…shalt snuff it." JD looks up to the heavens and closes the book. Nathan nods sagely.
"Amen," he says quietly.
The knights all raise their heads, repeating the amen.
"Right!" Chris grips the cross sticking out of the top of the ball and pulls it out. Leaning back in order to throw the grenade, he yells:
"Three sir!" Vin corrects quickly.
The king lobs the holy hand grenade at the bunny, who innocently jumps forward to sniff at it. The knights all cower down and cover their ears.
No more bunny.
Gotta love this movie. :)